sin' auld lang syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days of auld lang syne?
And days of auld lang syne, my dear,
And days of auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days of auld lang syne?
We twa hae run aboot the braes
And pu'd the gowans fine.
We've wandered mony a weary foot,
Sin' auld lang syne.
Sin' auld lang syne, my dear,
Sin' auld lang syne,
We've wandered mony a weary foot,
Sin' auld lang syne.
We twa hae sported i' the burn,
From morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin' auld lang syne.
Sin' auld lang syne, my dear,
Sin' auld lang syne.
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin' auld lang syne.
And ther's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.


good night, and good luck.


http://tinyurl.com/2r9fb

the darkest night of the year

chaos
broken
starlight
pouring
shadows
through
the
lesser
light
towards
imagined
desire
to
find
yesterday.

should
help
descend?
i
think
the
morning
should
awaken
soon.

vodka
laughter
smokes
cookies
truth.

my christmases have improved.

sensory

insane drain... the drip has just dropped and the plink on the sink is enough to drive me mad. but to walk across the room to fix it seems like wasted exertion. my drink was drank and now i'm bled dry. you'd think the quick beat that moves the life from heart to toes and up my spine would take less time, but i'm hemorrhaging thought out my ear everytime you cause me to question.

but i beg of you to fulfill the need of me.

i'm crumbling. the parchment upon which i wrote my last lines has been burned, for lack of water to quench the flames. but i will still lay with my words and coax them to open their eyes. there's a leaky pen between me and my next turned phrase, and when all the drops seep out we'll see what remains.

blink and you'll find it.

eggshells

i had an interesting experience recently.

i developed a deal with God at one point, sometime in my early teenage years, that if he thinks he gets to run the universe, he has to deal with my opinions and questions. the first interesting thing is that he took the deal.

the second interesting thing is that he just told me that i don't get to do that anymore. it was somewhat jolting... i don't think i realized how comfortable i was with that, and how odd it is to not have it. now when i question, he tells me i know the answer, i just don't like it. now when i tell him my opinions, he tells me that i'm an adult and i need to just stop talking about it and deal with it. it's rather interesting. on one hand, it made me feel kind of stupid, as i realized how obnoxious i had been to him. on the other, i think he just told me that i've grown up.

i honestly thought i would spend my whole life as a broken person. i really didn't realize that he wanted me to stand with him, and walk with him, not just spend my entire life in broken humilation.

i used to hate everything about myself. i still have scars in places i cut myself. i can still remember what it was like at night when there would be so many voices around me i couldn't sleep. i know that i used to starve myself to make me a better person, and i even punished myself when my mom wouldn't because i was yearning so much to matter enough to be disciplined. i used to cry when someone didn't like me. i used to hate myself if i made a mistake. i often ran from people who loved me, and i would push people away if they could see in. i was always angry and always afraid. the times when people thought i was righteous, even when i was young, they didn't realize that i was two people. not because i wanted to be, but because i was so fractured i could be nothing else. i wanted power to protect myself. i wanted money to make me safe.

i'm writing this because i also hid away, and was so ashamed for not being able to control my weaknesses. it wasn't until this year that i realized the depth of my misunderstanding of grace. all i needed was to give in, and let go, and know that i'm loved. i never needed to prove anything in the first place. yeshua took the weight off my back and the craziness from my mind and while i still, every day, have to choose to eat and not be afraid and to accept love and forgive i know that i can.

i have come a long way from the girl who hid in the closet to cry.

i am so lucky to be alive. a big thank you on that end goes to my parents, shawn and missy. my mom was so broken at the time that she could barely function herself. they took a really obnoxious teenager in when no one else really knew what to do with me. i don't think they did either, but they loved me enough to be honest and tell me that i was running from life. their oldest son is now their second teenager. and i am two years older than they were when they "adopted" me.

thanks:)

selah's super gatorade

"all you need is 1/4 cup of water, 1/4 cup of sugar, 10/4 cups of gator, and 1/4 cup of gatorade. and that's how you make super gatorade."






can i be 3 again, please?

so i totally forgot

how much i like creating. even though i'm so overloaded i can't really sleep (something that i will have to get better about), i wake up happy every day.

pretty damn cool.

catharsis

the smell of the spice carried on the breeze from the oscillating fan brought the sweet unattainable flavor to my attention… it would be months before i could savor the craving. rum is wonderful pain. i took you somewhere, or nowhere… and we tried again to see the familiar. that wasn’t the last time i saw you, but i think it was the last time you saw me.

the memory i will forever keep as the one defining you to me is sitting while the constant waves beating the shore reminded us both that we would never rest, but the light from the beacon piercing the fog was a comfort. i’ll keep you there.

i never knew how far away together could be.

there’s words to be known and time to be understood, but i don’t know if i think it will be something seen. i think, if it happens, it will just appear again and we will know the lost years did not destroy our family. i know you would think it trite for me to say i have cried for the lost time.

i still reach out, and i’m still turned away. your friendship was freely offered, and then quickly rescinded time and again when i failed to live up to the expectations you never shared. i’m sorry you’re lonely, but i didn’t leave.

it was like this.
and old man, who should have been young… should have been able to touch the stars that he aimed to grasp for his kind of brilliance was rarely seen… he wasted away. the cancer ate him from the inside and the sounds of his cries still echo. i know he rests in peace, but i would have more belief if it hadn’t taken years of decay to make him see his wife and his child for the first time. he was 46. i’m no longer so far removed, and i’m watching the decay start again. it starts in the eyes, when you can’t see in, and you always look down.

next comes the denial.

then alone, the bitterness eats away. that’s the cancer that took him.

that’s how it was.

so when i say that i’m waiting for you to prove that you’ll achieve what you’ve promised, take that as love. i’m believing that you will choose to live.

don’t let me down. it may be selfish to say that i can’t watch the cancer again, but it’s true.

i see a man with a light, forging the way through a dark forest that has lived in myth, only to burn at your hand. i see a lost soul finding the one he’s sought, to find that he’s the one who was lost. and there you are, filling the large footsteps you’ve left by your dreams, and the worlds you’ve painted with your rhythms and rhymes you will finally believe.