for

and still the tempest rages.

how do you find the stepping stones when the clouds descend upon you? i fear to lose more than my way. but the words of the wise one, spoken in haste but still quite true sink into my memory. i'm burning it there permanently, with reflection.

the desert seemed endless. the vast stretches of sky only served to give canvas to the burning sunlight. my eyes had grown weary of squinting to see... which seemed pointless anyway. who needs sight while wandering aimlessly in a desert?

i asked for rain. i should have known.

stop to listen, stop to rest, stop to ponder.
when does the race end?
i don't know, but from here i can see no end to the
running
and my wings are wet.

you say you don't understand
my cryptic lines
but you need not read between them.
close your eyes, and count to ten
then remember the time you
stopped. and did nothing else.
then look, and see what
you comprehend.

how about this one?

"to stop, and will the raging winds to cease
and mourn the time of peace
now gone, but never truly known. this
is my need, but the tides come quickly
and the shoreline is falling away
and the time to sail is close."

do you remember now, the eyes by which you see?

defining moments

"nothing has changed, outwardly. i'm still in the same little room, with the same challenges, and the same old car. but even when i had money, i did not feel rich."

"so do you feel rich now?"

"um, it has come and gone. most of the days i have, there were a couple of times that... i didn't. it was like that poor thing crept back in. right this minute... it's fine. i feel... i read something, i don't remember where, that said it's not a lack of money, it's a lack of ideas. it's just a matter of [sticking with it], and getting it there. and that's true with me. even if i had all the money in the... even if i had millions, i still have to make the choice about my car, i still have to decide where to live."

"so do you think that the problem is in making a choice and going forward?"

"that's entirely possible. i think that may be a good part of it."

"so what do you think has changed that makes you feel rich?"

"that's a good question. it just came to me... i think [pushing my boundaries] has a lot to do with it. i still have a long way to go. but it's coming along well, and i'm learning a lot that[i didn't think i could learn at my age]. and it's given me a lot of confidence. part of it could be that i am making my way, i'm paying my bills, my utilities, my rent. which isn't huge, but compared to my income... but right now, i'm financially independent."

"do you think that's ever happened before?"

"no. there was a time... where i was paying the bills... and i had some part time cleaning, and we were getting social security. but i didn't feel independent. now that i think about it, if i had, i don't think i would have fallen for that mortgage deal. i could have thought, ok i'm $3000 behind, so what can i do to make this up. but i was in such a state, and i can say it's because i was so traumatized from your accident, but that was probably just a symptom. but then i realized, this is not how i want to live the rest of my life by any means. but right now, i am independent, and successful. i have gas in my car, i have good food... i go out to eat on Sundays, i was able to buy nice clothes, i'm [saving]. i am probably in better shape. i may not see the 26 inch waist i had before i got pregnant, but i'm in better condition. i'm probably in better health. i'm more disciplined, without being rigid and un-teachable. i'm anticipating my move, but also, i'm enjoying my life here.

and i give."

who says we're old? my mom is still growing up, and she's turning 60 this year. she isn't depressed all of the time, just some of the time. and she's getting better. she's learning the computer for the first time, going from knowing nothing and being terrified of the "beast", to typing 30 words a minute and learning how to use the internet.

if anyone thinks they deserve what they're getting... if there's anything that seems insurmountable, i can tell you some stories. i can tell you what it's like to spend your entire life thinking you're limited, and you have no hope, and then God shows up and changes everything. and if i think i have stories, my mother lived over 50 years with no hope. things aren't all the way fixed. but she believes that they will be, and that's more than i can say for many people.

" Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!"
Romans 5

sc

i think i just watched my worlds collide. or at least, i saw memory coincide with present existence. when that happened, the value of my remorse was lessened and i saw only one who i laughed with. you think you left only a mild impression on me, as once again i remained true to pattern and escaped when you became too controlling. you did not realize that you can't leave a mark on me by willing it there. i will defy every attempt to make me bend to fit your perception.

though i realize now that your perception was not your intention, and you tried to keep all of the chips in your pile because you were afraid that if you shared you would lose the game.

did you know that every friend is a gamble? your controlling nature only made me stubborn and foolish. it was your persistance of vision that made me believe the world would not end just because i tried to succeed.

i think the moment i realized that i still had a true friend was when i understood you were not trying to be cruel. you have just always had a really rotten sense of comedic timing, and are too insecure to say the joke when it would have been funny.

here's to the good times and the crazy, cult-ish times. i wouldn't give them up for the world.

and here's to more beautiful days.

who knows?

maybe i will run away and join the circus.

i certainly know how to walk the tightrope - constantly wondering if it will be this step or that which will misstep and send me tumbling to my doom, as i'm sure i'd miss the net.

tricky words, tricky game. is it your turn or mine? i find i'd rather stare out the window and watch the rain fall, and the paint dry on the porch swing. swinging back and forth from one who wants to play you to one who wants to just call it a game, and say you won if it would make you forget to ask me to play the next time.

too many things to rhyme. it interupts my flow.

i think 'back' and then 'sack' and 'far' and then 'tar' and there are no connections to gather the phrases into poems. so i try not to rhyme. at least, not all of the time.

would you like some sake while we reclaim our rhythm? i find it loosens the mind and sends the words drizzling out the gutter. this season brings much change. the leaves fall, the grass dies. and the bears sleep. we make cider that fills my senses with such smell, and then i sneeze. momentarily i lose my train of thought, and then i grasp at the straws of my own theology and we reset the timer and again, it's your play.

i'm watching the rain. i love the flying trapeze.