eyes

oh, i ache to feel the wind
i come every day to the edge of the
cliff and pray this will be the day
the wind lifts me off my feet
for i fear i don’t have enough
faith to jump.

give me the grace to let go of the rock
and the truth to hold onto the air
and the release to let it take me
to places i would not dare to
tread.

let me fly as high as the air will allow
and stare deep into the heart of the
space beyond
and remember the rock which holds
me is strong, if small
and while insignificant, and meaningless
and inconsequential in the scope of it all
is still my place.

and after my eyes tire of the sun
take me down into the shade
and let me sleep a thousand years
in quiet, or at least a day
and help me remember the hours
and minutes
and decades
that i spent watching you soar.

5 years

half a decade.
here's to five of the hardest years of my life!
i wouldn't change a thing, baby. you have taught me more about living than anyone ever has. i never knew i could laugh so much. thank you!






circa 2000
florida

inside, outside

where does evil really lie?
is it ever in the places that i think it’s in
can it be contained within skin?
you look at me and see a void, as you don’t know me
i look within and cannot define what i see, because i
am hard to find.
the limitations of my experience show through when
i try to find the words to paint for you an expression of
my inner self, but the colors seem dim in comparison and
my perspective is off.
i don’t know you, anymore than i know me
i look at you and i see a void, on which i place my own
expectations for you to either leave me or walk away.

please stay. i don’t mean to offend. i mean to shed
light on the reality that i face, that i grew up in a place with no
people who understood me and so i made my own culture where
everyone gets along but imaginary people have no identities to rape.
pretend souls do not die and face fate
and so my pretend way of learning humanity fell short of the real
thing.


and there it is, the thing of which i speak. you have the power to
cause me to react and that scares the shit out of me because i do not
know if i have the power to react well. i do not wish to feel anything
because i hesitate to trust when i know you could make me afraid. and
therein lies the flaw in my pretend world. i made no safe places. my
sanity was based on shallow views, and so when my trust was
broken i was forever made a walked on thing. i never believed that
i could be more or deserve more or know anyone and let them inside
and still, i must admit, my walls are thick and high, but i can see
a small view of truth in the hole i just carved – a real one. not a pretend
window. one you can really see in.

here lies the daughter of those who did not believe. they had no
hope, as they couldn’t see the light in the dark places. i killed her
when i decided to try and remember it all. maybe, just maybe,
along with the ugliness i’ll remember the times you didn’t leave me,
and you stayed.

dragon

"but how do you slay the dragon?"

as i stood facing the awesome beast, i still wondered at my masters refusal to answer my question. why would he give me such a daunting task and provide no tools by which to accomplish it? it seemed very out of character for my master.

i looked around, ever mindful of the dragon's sleeping visage, and scoured my surroundings for a spear.

i saw the grass, but it was too soft, and the thick stalks were too green.
i saw the trees, but they towered over me. i had no tools, and could certainly not fell a tree or carve it into anything with no tools.
i saw the birds, but they maintained their distance and even though their song was soothing none came to help me.
and so i stood defenseless. my master and my environment, by nature, had betrayed me.

you cannot drown a dragon. you cannot burn a dragon. i could think of nothing which would give me an advantage in fulfilling my master's quest. he had called me "dragon slayer", and let me play with his swords and spears and think that when i faced my enemy i would be protected at least with metals and innovation.

having nothing to do but wait, i studied the dragon. his skin was too beautiful. the silvery scales reflected his surroundings so that the only way i could be sure i was looking at him was to find the faint wisp of smoke from his mouth. as his massive torso swelled with every breath, the light around me would bend and seem to twinkle like the stars on a misty night. he was as tall as the towering trees and seemingly as expansive as the lake's horizon. i watched him submerge himself, his customary form of awakening, and then he opened his eyes.

i saw my own reflection in the eye of a dragon.

"who are you?"

"i am a dragon-slayer", i replied, as my master had instructed me.

his eyes filled with disbelief. then he did something i never would have dreamed to witness... he laughed. the waves rolled and the trees shook and the earth trembled and i was very afraid.

compose

see, there was this one day, when the wind was chilly and it whipped around my bones. the rain's cold fingers penetrated until i was soaked through and my shoes squished. i saw you splash in the puddles. we glanced across the terrain and for a moment, i could see through the drops of water as the putrid haze was washed from the air. i tread on the water like broken glass. a soft sigh from the wind as it finished the gale and i opened my eyes, again, to find you still there. the shards from the storm soaked deep, but there was no bleeding. the day was warm again, and the silence receding. the moment seemed but an apparition, but i wasn't dreaming.

damn

http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/originals/blackwhite/main.html

sometimes clients are useful

“Don’t worry about the mule going blind, just load the wagon."

I was reminded of this today when reading through info sent by a client. that's my problem... i never assume i could get a new mule...