defining moments

"nothing has changed, outwardly. i'm still in the same little room, with the same challenges, and the same old car. but even when i had money, i did not feel rich."

"so do you feel rich now?"

"um, it has come and gone. most of the days i have, there were a couple of times that... i didn't. it was like that poor thing crept back in. right this minute... it's fine. i feel... i read something, i don't remember where, that said it's not a lack of money, it's a lack of ideas. it's just a matter of [sticking with it], and getting it there. and that's true with me. even if i had all the money in the... even if i had millions, i still have to make the choice about my car, i still have to decide where to live."

"so do you think that the problem is in making a choice and going forward?"

"that's entirely possible. i think that may be a good part of it."

"so what do you think has changed that makes you feel rich?"

"that's a good question. it just came to me... i think [pushing my boundaries] has a lot to do with it. i still have a long way to go. but it's coming along well, and i'm learning a lot that[i didn't think i could learn at my age]. and it's given me a lot of confidence. part of it could be that i am making my way, i'm paying my bills, my utilities, my rent. which isn't huge, but compared to my income... but right now, i'm financially independent."

"do you think that's ever happened before?"

"no. there was a time... where i was paying the bills... and i had some part time cleaning, and we were getting social security. but i didn't feel independent. now that i think about it, if i had, i don't think i would have fallen for that mortgage deal. i could have thought, ok i'm $3000 behind, so what can i do to make this up. but i was in such a state, and i can say it's because i was so traumatized from your accident, but that was probably just a symptom. but then i realized, this is not how i want to live the rest of my life by any means. but right now, i am independent, and successful. i have gas in my car, i have good food... i go out to eat on Sundays, i was able to buy nice clothes, i'm [saving]. i am probably in better shape. i may not see the 26 inch waist i had before i got pregnant, but i'm in better condition. i'm probably in better health. i'm more disciplined, without being rigid and un-teachable. i'm anticipating my move, but also, i'm enjoying my life here.

and i give."

who says we're old? my mom is still growing up, and she's turning 60 this year. she isn't depressed all of the time, just some of the time. and she's getting better. she's learning the computer for the first time, going from knowing nothing and being terrified of the "beast", to typing 30 words a minute and learning how to use the internet.

if anyone thinks they deserve what they're getting... if there's anything that seems insurmountable, i can tell you some stories. i can tell you what it's like to spend your entire life thinking you're limited, and you have no hope, and then God shows up and changes everything. and if i think i have stories, my mother lived over 50 years with no hope. things aren't all the way fixed. but she believes that they will be, and that's more than i can say for many people.

" Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!"
Romans 5