eggshells

i had an interesting experience recently.

i developed a deal with God at one point, sometime in my early teenage years, that if he thinks he gets to run the universe, he has to deal with my opinions and questions. the first interesting thing is that he took the deal.

the second interesting thing is that he just told me that i don't get to do that anymore. it was somewhat jolting... i don't think i realized how comfortable i was with that, and how odd it is to not have it. now when i question, he tells me i know the answer, i just don't like it. now when i tell him my opinions, he tells me that i'm an adult and i need to just stop talking about it and deal with it. it's rather interesting. on one hand, it made me feel kind of stupid, as i realized how obnoxious i had been to him. on the other, i think he just told me that i've grown up.

i honestly thought i would spend my whole life as a broken person. i really didn't realize that he wanted me to stand with him, and walk with him, not just spend my entire life in broken humilation.

i used to hate everything about myself. i still have scars in places i cut myself. i can still remember what it was like at night when there would be so many voices around me i couldn't sleep. i know that i used to starve myself to make me a better person, and i even punished myself when my mom wouldn't because i was yearning so much to matter enough to be disciplined. i used to cry when someone didn't like me. i used to hate myself if i made a mistake. i often ran from people who loved me, and i would push people away if they could see in. i was always angry and always afraid. the times when people thought i was righteous, even when i was young, they didn't realize that i was two people. not because i wanted to be, but because i was so fractured i could be nothing else. i wanted power to protect myself. i wanted money to make me safe.

i'm writing this because i also hid away, and was so ashamed for not being able to control my weaknesses. it wasn't until this year that i realized the depth of my misunderstanding of grace. all i needed was to give in, and let go, and know that i'm loved. i never needed to prove anything in the first place. yeshua took the weight off my back and the craziness from my mind and while i still, every day, have to choose to eat and not be afraid and to accept love and forgive i know that i can.

i have come a long way from the girl who hid in the closet to cry.

i am so lucky to be alive. a big thank you on that end goes to my parents, shawn and missy. my mom was so broken at the time that she could barely function herself. they took a really obnoxious teenager in when no one else really knew what to do with me. i don't think they did either, but they loved me enough to be honest and tell me that i was running from life. their oldest son is now their second teenager. and i am two years older than they were when they "adopted" me.

thanks:)