honestly

you may not know how hard it often is for me to put my words on this page knowing that people read it. it was way easier when no one knew it was here:)

but i think it's important for this one to be here, whether it makes me feel safe or not.

i realized that i'm really good at hiding. so good in fact, that i can convince myself that i'm not. somewhere along the line, it just hurt too badly and i ran away from the things God had put inside of me. one by one he's putting them back in, but it's painful.

when i was young, there was no doubt in my mind that i deserved to be whole.
now, everyday i have to fight the part of me that believes there's nothing good in me. that i don't deserve the place to encourage people, or comfort them, or speak truth to them and see positive change. once, i never doubted.

i thrived on going into places with broken people... seeing the truth of who they are... and telling them what was there. many changed. many turned away, but it didn't hurt as badly then...

somewhere along the way i gave up on people. that's what i mean when i say "i prophesy to sticks and stones and walls because it does not hurt when they turn away". i gave up on having anything to do with bringing life to anyone. i assumed that such times were over... i had messed up too badly... and i should stick to business, cause that's what i do well.

apparently, i was wrong. i woke up on saturday, mourning the part of me that was missing. i don't know if this is coherant, but i feel it's important for me to share. i've been hiding in a cave, because i thought i wasn't safe. and i really wasn't... but i was never supposed to hide. i don't know when i started apologizing for my faith. but God told me that i was wrong the whole time... and if i hadn't have ran away, i wouldn't still feel the pain from all the yesterdays.

so here i am. not hiding. as in talking about where i am in the middle of it, and not recounting a watered down version of something i've already walked through, on my own. i don't really know where to go from here... as i don't really want to look into myself enough to find where i lost what i did. and i don't even know where to start looking.

but here's to trying...