inside, outside

where does evil really lie?
is it ever in the places that i think it’s in
can it be contained within skin?
you look at me and see a void, as you don’t know me
i look within and cannot define what i see, because i
am hard to find.
the limitations of my experience show through when
i try to find the words to paint for you an expression of
my inner self, but the colors seem dim in comparison and
my perspective is off.
i don’t know you, anymore than i know me
i look at you and i see a void, on which i place my own
expectations for you to either leave me or walk away.

please stay. i don’t mean to offend. i mean to shed
light on the reality that i face, that i grew up in a place with no
people who understood me and so i made my own culture where
everyone gets along but imaginary people have no identities to rape.
pretend souls do not die and face fate
and so my pretend way of learning humanity fell short of the real
thing.


and there it is, the thing of which i speak. you have the power to
cause me to react and that scares the shit out of me because i do not
know if i have the power to react well. i do not wish to feel anything
because i hesitate to trust when i know you could make me afraid. and
therein lies the flaw in my pretend world. i made no safe places. my
sanity was based on shallow views, and so when my trust was
broken i was forever made a walked on thing. i never believed that
i could be more or deserve more or know anyone and let them inside
and still, i must admit, my walls are thick and high, but i can see
a small view of truth in the hole i just carved – a real one. not a pretend
window. one you can really see in.

here lies the daughter of those who did not believe. they had no
hope, as they couldn’t see the light in the dark places. i killed her
when i decided to try and remember it all. maybe, just maybe,
along with the ugliness i’ll remember the times you didn’t leave me,
and you stayed.