secret

i'm going to be a girl for a moment and give you my favorite beauty secret.

everytime i feel the need to say "does this make me look fat?"
or, "would you think i'd be prettier if my skin was clearer?"
or, "i hate my calf muscles"
or anything such as the above my husband makes me do an exercise.
"say it, audra. say, audra is beautiful."
i mumble a response, vague syllables designed to fool my listener.
he never buys it.
"say it so i can hear it," he says.

i should probably have just said it, boldly, and then said thank you.
it took me forever to stop reacting with tears or yelling or wanting to hide
i haven't the slightest idea why

audra is beautiful. there, i said it. i'm going to pretend those aren't tears, that i just need new contacts. even though i changed them yesterday... i must say, i've been holding my head high a lot more... and i think i'm funny... and i enjoy laughing, because i've stopped caring that my nose crinkles when i do so
i still avoid crying when possible because it makes my eyes puffy for days but i think i'm getting better.

maybe my husband is right.