i just needed to vent this... it's something i've realized that i've been carrying around for a long time. and when you realize that you've been carrying around an elephant that occasionally shits in the corner of your life, i find that it is often helpful to talk about it, so at least you're not in denial that your elephant is stinky.
as an artist and a performer, i am craving specific input. i was raised in a combination of two schools of thought as far as working with a teacher. The first being that if you don't recieve correction and constructive criticism, your teacher believes that you are not capable of handling it. The second, that artists are too sensitive and therefore need to be handled with kid gloves and shouldn't be given too much criticism... or compliments, for fear they'll become full of themselves.
i spent my entire life getting extremely mixed signals. i sang for years; it's actually what i started in. i won most of the competitions that i entered in. but when i asked my teacher if i had a good voice, and if not what i could work on, she replied with "well, you definitly contribute something to the choir". what is that, exactly? when i asked my dance teacher if i was a good dancer, and whether or not i should even try to do it for a career, she said, "well, you're definitly called to this. not as called as so-and-so, but i think there's something there." WTF! when i asked my acting/mime teacher if i was any good, he said "well, your thighs are really too big to be a ballet dancer, and i think you're too shy to do any speaking parts, but you're great at mime". so i'm too fat and un-interesting to be a dancer or an actor? what exactly are you saying here, people?
i asked one of my teachers why this had been the case all my life, with everything i endeavored to do. poetry, performing, novel writing, painting, acedemics... in every case i was more or less vague-ismed out of any confidence i might of obtained otherwise. she told me "we knew you would eventually succeed, so we wanted to give opportunites to other students who might not get it later."
eventually succeed? are you saying that i'll eventually annoy someone enough that they'll give me a chance? what is it about me that cause people to be so vague... they often claim to be protecting me cause they can tell that i'm sensitive, though the things that i hear have been said behind my back usually don't imply respect for sensitivity. so here i am, at 25 with no true idea of what i'm good at. i know i'm a good leader, and that i'm good at business, and i'm at least a decent designer, and i think i'm at least unintentionally funny. but i really don't know anymore than that.
am i too abrasive? do i come accross as cocky or overly self-assured? do i seem needy when i'm asking for feedback? cause i'm not, i'm just literally starving for specificity. i HATE VAGUERY. seriously, man. can't handle it anymore.
so i have to say that though i don't really know if i can sing, or act, or dance... or at least to what extent. should i stick to christian performing, or background roles? or can i aspire for somthing more? i think i can, but who knows... i'm going to inflict it on everyone if nothing more than to recieve some honest opinion and suggestions for improvement. because currently, i'm very confident where i am confident, and i have no self-esteem where i don't. and i don't need a bunch of people walking on eggshells and telling me that i'm cute and even if i need attention, i can just ask... i need to know something definable. i grew up in the christian arts world, people. somebody give me something.
please don't reply unless you're going to be specific
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7 comments:
i should note here that several people who i think are reading my blog have been really helpful about this. i needed to vent for my own sake, not because any of you have implied that i'm too shy or can't sing or have big thighs.
just wanted to clear that up:)
I think that teacher was just jealous because my legs were more muscled than his.
:)
and thank you very much for your specific input about my writing... i appreciate it a lot!
Ok, so as your current dance teacher I felt I had to comment...I've watched you dance ever since you started and you have always been a good dancer, and an even better performer. (In fact, as far as any of the performing arts go, I think you are more talented as an overall performer even than you are in any particular discipline.) But from the last several months watching you in class, I think your ballet technique is the best it's ever been. While you were good before, I think you now have such a better understanding and comfortability with your body, that things that never clicked before are now able to come together. And with each class I've seen specific improvement.
And BTW, I do think that Wesley's comments mostly had to do with his insecurity about his own chicken legs : )
Audi, I know the feeling. I spent most of my life with a pat on the head or a comment equivalent to "oh bless your heart". I delved into everything, but never took the time to really become excellent at just one thing. In the last few years, I am finally taking the time.
I look at you now and how you used to be when we first met. You are very different today. You were someone who tried everything, did everything, and for the most part was good at everything. But sometimes when we do everything at once, we only become good and not excellent. I see that lately (in the last year or so) that your taking time to really understand each avenue of the arts. You seem to be really focused and understand that you have forever to learn it all. Instead of before, I think you thought you only had today to learn it all. You are becoming excellent in great things, especially in your writings and visual arts. I do have to say that I agree with Mary on the fact that I don't see a whole lot of what you do, therefore I can only say so much.
But what I do see is excellent or on the verge of excellence. Today, you seem to have the niche,...your brain and your talent seem to have caught up with eachother:)
Nick, I didn't know you were even reading my blog. That's cool. You made an excellent point, which is the continual debate in an artsit's head... if I perform/create my art to communicate, how much does the viewers' opinion of its aesthetics matter in the long run?
Steph, you just proved why I don't think being depressed actually makes you a better artist. It's much more fulfilling to pursue endeavors for the long term when you are truly planning on doing your best to live that long.
I completly agree. I have been talking to so many people about this lately. There is a huge difference in having a sad day and creating abundance out of that emotion,....and have weeks of depression and hoping you might have a day to put your blood on paper. Although the latter is so much more dramatic,....is it really better. Should we really push ourselves to "death" just to get one word on the paper? Or should we strive to shed the death and write endless novels of beauty??
I am all for nostalga (how can you live without it), sadness, a very intreverted day,....but I am also really starting to love beautiful days.
me too my friend, me too.
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