grace

last night we were at church. at some point in the beginning of the service, justin said that the scripture that says "let the little children come to me" popped in his head, but then he didn't think anything of it. we started out having a fairly normal service. sang songs, people gave testimonies, someone preached. but then at the end, we started worship again. we sang for a while, and then out of no where there was a long moment of silence. i love those moments, when a whole group of people sits and reflects on what just happened, and not because someone said to. someone explained that what was happening was a selah, a moment of silence where God does not stop moving but we do, to reflect on what has happened.

justin had selah come and sit in his lap during this time, as childcare was over. selah sat quietly for a moment and then looked up at justin and asked, "is God and Jesus in my heart, daddy?" justin told him that they would be if he wanted them to be, and he just had to ask. so selah closed his eyes and sat quietly for a moment, and then said "they're in my heart, daddy. i can feel them." we have never made him pray or read the bible... we wanted him to have a chance to observe and ask questions and make a choice at his own pace.

i was four when i asked for Jesus to be in my heart. i walked a long road to being truly free. an uphill barefoot in the snow kind of road. but God has taught me so much through it. he has reminded me that i don't need to be afraid to be a parent. he reminded me that the things i experienced as a child were not from him, but rather the consequences of my parents choices. he has taught me that i have to understand and recognize that there were people that made decisions that hurt me, as you can't forgive anyone until you can say what they did.

and beyond that, he has truly restored me as if those things never happened. i've been tempered, for sure. and i remember the past and still have the scars. but they don't hurt anymore.

i have told selah about my father. i've told him that he was a sad and angry man, who was mean sometimes because his daddy was a sad and angry man who was mean. i told him how my mom and i prayed for my father, and how before he died he asked for forgiveness and i saw then who he was supposed to be.

selah prayed with me last night. he said,

"Jesus, thank you for being my mommy's daddy when her daddy couldn't do it. Say that mommy."

"Jesus, thank you for helping my mommy not be sad. Say that mommy."

"Jesus, thank you for taking her daddy to heaven. Say that mommy."

i'm still scared of being a mom. but if Jesus can help me when i was a little girl who didn't know love learn to understand who he is, then i think i might be okay. i just have to remember to let God be God, and just work on being a decent Audra.

it helps that my son prays for me.