deep

some are shallow.
some can roll with the waves, take it on the chin,
and still look unruffled.
i am not as these.
i am too volatile, too much
to process life and keep my cool.

but do i care?
does the infuriating right
make a wrong?
can i let it go without getting another
callous
see, there's my fear.
i took so long to let go
of the hardness
the coldness
inside me.

i'm afraid that too much hurt
will make me want to
run away and
i'll follow my selfish desire.
the need to control
to contain the inability
to walk when the driving rain
is in my eyes
guilt blinds me.
fear binds me.
how does peace find me?

where is the safety
when all i want to do is close my eyes and hide
until it's over.
but i won't.
i'll face it again, and stare fear in the face
i only hope i don't succumb
to previous addictions.

to see is to do in my head
but that is not truth.
to know is to carry in my world
but that tears me too.
to let go, and not concern myself when in truth it is mine
is a virtue i only experience by
accident and as soon as i feel it, it's gone.

please don't let the lost ones suffer.
if i can't defend them at least promise me that.