honestly

you may not know how hard it often is for me to put my words on this page knowing that people read it. it was way easier when no one knew it was here:)

but i think it's important for this one to be here, whether it makes me feel safe or not.

i realized that i'm really good at hiding. so good in fact, that i can convince myself that i'm not. somewhere along the line, it just hurt too badly and i ran away from the things God had put inside of me. one by one he's putting them back in, but it's painful.

when i was young, there was no doubt in my mind that i deserved to be whole.
now, everyday i have to fight the part of me that believes there's nothing good in me. that i don't deserve the place to encourage people, or comfort them, or speak truth to them and see positive change. once, i never doubted.

i thrived on going into places with broken people... seeing the truth of who they are... and telling them what was there. many changed. many turned away, but it didn't hurt as badly then...

somewhere along the way i gave up on people. that's what i mean when i say "i prophesy to sticks and stones and walls because it does not hurt when they turn away". i gave up on having anything to do with bringing life to anyone. i assumed that such times were over... i had messed up too badly... and i should stick to business, cause that's what i do well.

apparently, i was wrong. i woke up on saturday, mourning the part of me that was missing. i don't know if this is coherant, but i feel it's important for me to share. i've been hiding in a cave, because i thought i wasn't safe. and i really wasn't... but i was never supposed to hide. i don't know when i started apologizing for my faith. but God told me that i was wrong the whole time... and if i hadn't have ran away, i wouldn't still feel the pain from all the yesterdays.

so here i am. not hiding. as in talking about where i am in the middle of it, and not recounting a watered down version of something i've already walked through, on my own. i don't really know where to go from here... as i don't really want to look into myself enough to find where i lost what i did. and i don't even know where to start looking.

but here's to trying...

/

i prophesy to sticks and stones and walls because it does not hurt when they turn me away.
when the dead cry out against me, i defend nothing because i have no name
but the faceless lost remember, and know i am still the same.

my apologies

god will not send a burning bush to lead you to the right
place when he has given you grace and a brain
i'm sorry that life is so fucking hard but if you drank
from a dirty well in a dump in the desert i would feel pity.

who thinks that they have no choice in life?
you turn a way and change your world.
just pick something, damn it, and go for it.
just learn something and stop being a fool.

and if you fail, don't blame the fates
the person at fault was you
but so what? you pick yourself up and dust off the mistakes
remember where you tripped and fell on your face
and then pay attention to where you're going next time.

and if you get lost, don't blame it on god.
he gave you eyes and ears and a way to remember
and the simple things, while important, are not where to stumble
just laugh it off and buy a map. then the next time, turn towards
where you want to go, and not away.

i'm sorry that life is so hard
but i really don't care.
if you're wandering alone and have no one to
tell you where to go, is it possible you drove them away?

fuck it all.
who gives a damn about life if there's no living?
and if you wake up tomorrow and find no meaning in
the world, don't blame anyone. not the fates, not god, not even
the ones you love. meaning is only in context, and
is pointless if you forget to wake up.

shake off the daisies, you're not dead yet
you've still got time
whoever you've buried will wait.

death is only chasing you, and lies are everywhere
you turn, and it's easy to forget who you are,
and everything is confusing.

and if i lose my imagination, and live only in the prose
and forget the ones who love me
and swallow death
i have only cheated me.

but that's just today.

nostalgia?

i never thought i'd live long enough to hear my husband say, "man, mosh pits just aren't the same as they were when we were younger."

if anyone brings back flannel, i'm hiding until it's over.

;)

crux

so what do you do when you unexpectedly find the center of your paranoia while watching Smallville?

4

nce upon a time there was a monster, who was chasing a princess. she grew tired of running and hid in a tall tower, with no door, and one window. everyday she looked out at the world she was missing.

it took a small boy to convince her that she could live without her tower. even longer for her to be convinced that the monster was just life. you see, even though the monster's strike is always fatal, we have many sleeps before that day. and so we wake up, and try to remember not to run away from life.

this small boy kept growing, and all too soon the princess could see a glimmer of the man that he would become. she knew he would be loved, for she loved him very much and so did his father (whom she decided to stop trying to hide from as well:) and together they made sure to suround their small family with lots of people who could love the small boy.

and she built him a house, with lots of windows, and beautiful gardens, called hope. and she told him that whenever the world was dark and gray, to remember that hope can live forever, if you let it.

and she looked into the sky every night as she tucked him into his bed under the stars and was very grateful she got to keep the small boy, for as long as Time would allow.

and if there were less sleeps before the monster's strike... then the princess was grateful she chose try living... and who better to make everyday worth finding hope than her small boy, and his father?

un

this is a song that justin and i wrote.
it actually has music, not that we plan on singing it in public. but i really like the words.

undiscovered beautiful
undiscovered terrible
red wine
touch your fingers to my lips
singe my skin
i’m drunk again

undecided
stay or go
bleeding all is all i know
drying tears from drying eyes
dark and long the lonely night
here again

find me now, my closest friend
warm my hands we’ll dance again
breathe again
your laugh-lined smile will seem so new
i’ll dance for you
just sing for me.

door

here comes the next thing
as the dust settles from the wave of change
i think somewhere my heart was torn
the indecision changed my way of life
and the things of then can be no more.

i miss the yesterdays
i miss the way things used to be
but that was so long ago
there's a new life to build now.
a new life to give now.

i cannot be my father
who could not admit the truth
i cannot be my mother
who can't see depth behind the mirror

i cannot even be you.
you would have me torn and empty
you would take away the things i've seen
one by one, i'd lose my memories
and then all that's left would be young.

though innocense is tempting
i cannot deny what i have witnessed
i cannot deny the blood that i've shed
so i will build the temple.

i will be the one who remembers.
and when i'm done, you'll take me home.
it's a long road that stretches before me
so when i'm lost, pleast take me home.

fear of spiders

i realize that a fear of spiders is an irrational fear.

who would really fear the unknown, the unpredictable things, if they were all so small you could step on them? granted, there's that whole poisonous bite issue, but how many people do you know who have been fatally bitten by a poisonous spider? i mean sure, you get that acid hole in the arm going on sometimes, which isn't so cool. or the big black bruise-looking mark that hurts like hell... also not fun, i've heard.

but i think i just fear irrational things.