aged

i saw him one last time before i left.

you'd think he had never spent a day in the sun. the light from the incandescent bulb dangling outside his cell cast shadows that made him seem haunted and illuminated his skin with an eerie glow by turns. all i desired to do was to hear his voice, to have him once again speak calming words that would make my fears fade away as they did when i was a small child. but his voice was cracked from underuse, and i could barely hear him. that scared me more than anything, i think.

"you have everything you need, child."

"i tried to bring water, master. but they took it from me and spilled it to the earth." this is the thought that had broken me. that the water that could save his life was now turning the dust on the floor to paste and my master was nearly dead.

"have no more thoughts of me," he croaked. "save your stength to face your enemy. he is a brutal beast, but he is a dumb one. never forget that."

"i cannot fight a beast! i can run errands, and make coffee, and bring you your glasses when you cannot see. that is all i am good for. i can't even use a weapon, how can i possibly defeat anything as brutal as a dragon?"

his eyes cleared at that moment, as if his cataracts faded away and i could again see into him as i could before. his countenance changed. i saw then the master of my youth, whom i had followed like a shadow and begged of him to give me shelter. he took me in, and even though i lived as a slave, i had a good master, so it was no matter. his riches were gone now, fed to the fat bureaucrats who no longer believed in such foolishness as dragons. but he was still my master.

"i was going to leave you my wealth, child. but you should learn sooner rather than later that all of the world's wealth is foolish. so i will give you all i have left. come closer, child."

his voice was growing faint.

he leaned in close to me, and through the bars he cupped my cheek as if i was still small. he pressed his forehead to mine and closed his eyes and in his last breath i heard his whisper.

"there is always... hope."

my inheritance faded away as if i had never heard his words. wiping my face i stood and went to the front desk.

"you are the only survivor?"

"yes. everything should be there in the papers he left. may i take his body to be buried?"

the guard reached into a drawer and pulled out an old box. he carelessly pushed it across to me. "your master was a traitor. if you have his inheritance, then here it is. this box, and your master's fate. you have gone from slave to exile."

"and what of my master?"

"he will be burned. he always wanted to face a dragon - he will get his last wish and die by fire. damned myth-men never will be a part of the rest of us... they only live in the shadows of the ignorance we've left behind."

i had no concept of life without my master.
i took his box and walked out of the building. i would be chased by the dogs through the borders if i didn't go quickly, so i used the shadow-hiding i had learned by following his every move. it couldn't hide me from the nose of a dog, but no human would see me leave unless they still believed in myth.

there is one good thing about being a myth-follower. the "enlighted" are still afraid of the forests. the prison was at the edge of the lighted world. they wouldn't even send their beasts in here. apparently ignorance can stalk in the night and snatch trespassers in the forest away never again to be seen.

i sat on a log and opened the box. i had cleaned it many, many times before. the temptation to open it had grown with everytime i touched it. the insides of the box glowed, so i knew it held a wish.

the enlightened ones wished by stars and wished with coins thrown in the fountains in their lighted world, but the myth-men knew a different way. we know that wishes could warm you, could seep into your being - which is why wishes must be handled with great caution. wishes and greed are not far removed, in myth.

i sat with my heart clear and let my master's wish fill my soul.

all is not somber

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: A tree in a golden forest.


Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.


Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's condition is
improving every day. Any reports of it's lack of incandescence are
totally unfounded, and the result of delusional "spin" assaults from the
fanatic, elitist, liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably,
and anything you say undermines the lighting effect and dims it's ego.
Why do you hate freedom?

sha`ah

stop and gaze as the sacred edifice crumbles. should one pause in thought, or cease to pray? should mourning overweigh the joy of death bringing life? should we stop and throw stones as the mighty fall?

i desire to gaze into the crumbled remains of a haughty idol built in the image of an emperor and see the memory of the days before.

are graven images built in the name of christ?

i remember what i have never learned.
i seek that which was torn from our grasp.
but i am brave because of the one giving defence
who seeks not war, but peace.
who welcomes hatred, and turns the cheek.

if all words were lost, we still have the seed.

the morning light has shone.
the noon has past
evening dawns
the long night draws near.
if you may, send moonlight
as fires burn
and forests end
and melodies haunt
and the earth is rend
give light to us to find the dawn
so still our walk may continue on
so still our time may linger on

and if the moonlight should be lost
then all the dreams the world has dreamt
will open eyes, and their purpose met
and all the dreamers willing dust
to rise and ashes give way to breath
the foretold offerings will not lose way
and still the night will turn to day.

grace

last night we were at church. at some point in the beginning of the service, justin said that the scripture that says "let the little children come to me" popped in his head, but then he didn't think anything of it. we started out having a fairly normal service. sang songs, people gave testimonies, someone preached. but then at the end, we started worship again. we sang for a while, and then out of no where there was a long moment of silence. i love those moments, when a whole group of people sits and reflects on what just happened, and not because someone said to. someone explained that what was happening was a selah, a moment of silence where God does not stop moving but we do, to reflect on what has happened.

justin had selah come and sit in his lap during this time, as childcare was over. selah sat quietly for a moment and then looked up at justin and asked, "is God and Jesus in my heart, daddy?" justin told him that they would be if he wanted them to be, and he just had to ask. so selah closed his eyes and sat quietly for a moment, and then said "they're in my heart, daddy. i can feel them." we have never made him pray or read the bible... we wanted him to have a chance to observe and ask questions and make a choice at his own pace.

i was four when i asked for Jesus to be in my heart. i walked a long road to being truly free. an uphill barefoot in the snow kind of road. but God has taught me so much through it. he has reminded me that i don't need to be afraid to be a parent. he reminded me that the things i experienced as a child were not from him, but rather the consequences of my parents choices. he has taught me that i have to understand and recognize that there were people that made decisions that hurt me, as you can't forgive anyone until you can say what they did.

and beyond that, he has truly restored me as if those things never happened. i've been tempered, for sure. and i remember the past and still have the scars. but they don't hurt anymore.

i have told selah about my father. i've told him that he was a sad and angry man, who was mean sometimes because his daddy was a sad and angry man who was mean. i told him how my mom and i prayed for my father, and how before he died he asked for forgiveness and i saw then who he was supposed to be.

selah prayed with me last night. he said,

"Jesus, thank you for being my mommy's daddy when her daddy couldn't do it. Say that mommy."

"Jesus, thank you for helping my mommy not be sad. Say that mommy."

"Jesus, thank you for taking her daddy to heaven. Say that mommy."

i'm still scared of being a mom. but if Jesus can help me when i was a little girl who didn't know love learn to understand who he is, then i think i might be okay. i just have to remember to let God be God, and just work on being a decent Audra.

it helps that my son prays for me.

cause i'm up

and even though i'm protesting myspace, i still got stuck reading everyone's sites for like 2 hours. thanks for the country song tav

and some days i'd rather be a pirate...

stephen colbert

here's a link to the torrent of stephen colbert ripping into lots of people... at the white house correspondants dinner. it's been pulled from just about everywhere on the net. but you have to witness this. whatever you think of the current administration, he stood there and the establishment what just about everyone (even half of conservatives, according to the polls) has thought at one point or another. maybe 10 feet from president bush.

http://seedler.org/en/html/info/539676

save the net

big business is trying to say that they have more invested in the internet than we do. AT&T, Comcast, and Verizon are among the companies lobbying congress to pass laws that will create a sort of "fast lane" premium net service for companies that can pay the higher cost. the rest of the net, including blogs, non-profit sites, myspace, itunes, personal sites, and small business sites will be given less bandwidth making browsing such sites much slower. personal internet use and the benefits the net has given small businesses and non-profits are at risk. the net is one of the few places where we all have equal opportunity to make our voices heard. we can't let congress take this away!

Congress is voting on this issue next week. moveon.org already has 250,000 signatures on a petition being submitted to congress. help out by signing the petition. call your representative. help spread the word on the net. the public outcry has been enough to sway several representatives that formally supported big business on this issue. it helps that this is an election year!

this public service announcement brought to you by audiworld for Internet Freedom

why are sundays so rainy?

i mind less when i get my sunday naps.

because some things just piss me off

there's a lot of stink everywhere on the whole immigration issue. and i understand the need to deal with it... we've had an outdated and confusing system for a long time now.

my gripe is not with those who want to deal with the issue. issues get ugly, as everything has at least two sides if not more. and i'm not denying that border security is important. helps keep out those pesky canadians.

my gripe is with those who would defend their position against illegal imigrants with what is basically, though it's certainly not called this anymore, the "divine right".

when our country was founded on its supposed christian beliefs, there were many who were uncomfortable with the fact that it was being founded on genocide and slavery. these wavering folk were brought back to the fold by the concept of divine right. at it simplest root, it means that god gave america to christians, where we can fulfill the original commandment of filling the earth and multiplying... of having dominion over the earth. and have the nifty benefit of lots of ocean surrounding our new eden, which helps with those pesky religious wars.

i find it ironic that a country that was founded by those fleeing persecution now makes it really damned difficult to immigrate here, especially if you're fleeing persecution. i think somewhere along the way we forgot (i'm using the general "we" now, claim it or discard it at will) that we aren't being persecuted. that we do live in the land of opportunity, whether you're an oppressed minority or not. is it utopia? hardly. but most of the true freedoms we have we’re entirely ignorant of, since we don’t live somewhere that represses them. i’m pretty happy to live somewhere i don’t fear gential mutilation and my husband doesn’t have to fight in a war to remain a citizen and my son isn’t being pressured to be a suicide bomber. and the worst thing that may happen if i read a bible in public is that someone might make fun of my puritan beliefs…

the other thing i find ironic is that the christian conservative movement has somehow found a way to make this all about them, and the ever impending loss of their freedom of speech. i understand people are breaking the law. i'm not arguing that we don’t need a solution for the issue of illegal immigration. but like it or not, while morality from the standpoint of christianity is black and white (except for the gray areas open to interpretation) the implementation of a workable solution for a problem that affects the whole damn secular country, and even surrounding areas, is not going to be easy to come by. part of my ancestors immigrated illegally and possibly owned slaves. another other part walked the trail of tears. which part has a right to be here?

and who was it that said we should rejoice if we are persecuted for the sake of christ? not that i’m saying i really see too many instances that the extreme right trumpets as examples of religious persecution as being that at all. but if it were happening, shouldn’t we be throwing parties or something? hell, i think that would be a good indicator that we’re doing something right. maybe even becoming a little like the jesus we claim to represent.

so pick your side of the issue. and do it honestly. but if you are a believer in Yeshua, then you have given up your life that you might live. so stop bellyaching everytime you might be losing a right in america (it’s not the kingdom of god) and take care of the poor, the widows, and the orphans. and if you are ever persecuted, call me, and i’ll buy you a beer.

what i thought

i thought i had lost my way.
i understood myself as a fool
not realizing my failure was to see
only through my own eyes
and hear only the words i chose
to hear.

but i'm standing here right now
knowing that what was once found
was almost broken
seeing that you, who comforted me
as i fled the insane things that
haunted me, could think
to take your life.

how silly of me
to not have seen
how selfish of me
to think i understood
and how pointless of me
to wish i saw sooner.

i would take your choice
everyone's choices
away, if i thought it would
make us safe.

but the one i follow
chose a different way
he chose to make us free.

free to live, or to die
or to live everyday we have
blind

i would have done it differently
but then love could not be
a reality, for what is love
if it is what i was made to be?

i'm glad you failed.

dragon: unknown

"here lies the brave.
if you should dare face
this beast, be aware
that he will not be slayed.
he saw the true nature of
my heart, and then before
ripping it out to taste his
truth i wrote this in my own
hand, so you would know
that you have been given lies."
from the tomb marked as
"unlucky". date not known.

dragon, 2

i considered his laughter as a personal assault. my master had assured me that i was ready to face the dragon, and to be mocked by my own quest was insulting. i must admit i was not prepared to hear him speak, much less laugh. i was vaguely aware that the fact i had assumed i would be dealing with a dumb animal was evidence that i had missed something my master tried to teach me.

adding to the natural terror one feels when standing next to a monstrous, sentitent beast that is mocking you, i could see myself in his scales. that was disconcerting. for when his chameleon nature blended him into the horizon and the waters, i could only see a distorted version of myself.

it was beggining to be difficult to comprehend my surroundings. the dragon bent its long neck down until i could feel the warm stench of his breath on my face. he looked me right in the eyes, and at this moment he was not the ever changing reflective shape of before. he was standing there, in his awesome form, and i realized that if my master had slayed these beasts i did not know my master at all, for i had thought he was a simple man.

the dragon spoke again.

"you see, small one, i do not fear you. you call yourself a dragon-slayer. so how many dragons have you slayed?"

for a moment i considered embellishing my story.

"well, you were to be my first," i responded, trying to drum up more confidence that i actually felt.

his eyes squinted as he stared deep into me. he spread out his wings, making himself larger than before, and now i knew that escape was not an option. he would rise into the air and snatch me with his teeth at the end of that long neck and i would be gone before i had time to say a prayer.

"and therein lies proof to the humor of your claim. i was to be your first kill, and now even you put that purpose in the past tense. what did you do to anger your master enough that he would betray you to me?'

and then i realized that i, humble-dragon slayer that i was, had no chance of defeating the beast, and that my hands could no more pierce his scales than my "courage" could intimidate him. i stood there, and felt in that moment that this dragon knew me far better than my master, who had abandoned me to the beast.

i was no dragon-slayer. only a child who wanted to believe in a fantasy. so i took the name i was given and bravely set upon my quest and now, if there was a Maker, i had a decent chance at meeting him.

"you know," said the dragon, "i really almost pity you. do you know how many dragon-slayers i have eaten?"

bragging rights

justin has been playing around with his camera for awhile now, but i think he's actually turning into a photographer. i had to show him off.

eyes

oh, i ache to feel the wind
i come every day to the edge of the
cliff and pray this will be the day
the wind lifts me off my feet
for i fear i don’t have enough
faith to jump.

give me the grace to let go of the rock
and the truth to hold onto the air
and the release to let it take me
to places i would not dare to
tread.

let me fly as high as the air will allow
and stare deep into the heart of the
space beyond
and remember the rock which holds
me is strong, if small
and while insignificant, and meaningless
and inconsequential in the scope of it all
is still my place.

and after my eyes tire of the sun
take me down into the shade
and let me sleep a thousand years
in quiet, or at least a day
and help me remember the hours
and minutes
and decades
that i spent watching you soar.

5 years

half a decade.
here's to five of the hardest years of my life!
i wouldn't change a thing, baby. you have taught me more about living than anyone ever has. i never knew i could laugh so much. thank you!






circa 2000
florida

inside, outside

where does evil really lie?
is it ever in the places that i think it’s in
can it be contained within skin?
you look at me and see a void, as you don’t know me
i look within and cannot define what i see, because i
am hard to find.
the limitations of my experience show through when
i try to find the words to paint for you an expression of
my inner self, but the colors seem dim in comparison and
my perspective is off.
i don’t know you, anymore than i know me
i look at you and i see a void, on which i place my own
expectations for you to either leave me or walk away.

please stay. i don’t mean to offend. i mean to shed
light on the reality that i face, that i grew up in a place with no
people who understood me and so i made my own culture where
everyone gets along but imaginary people have no identities to rape.
pretend souls do not die and face fate
and so my pretend way of learning humanity fell short of the real
thing.


and there it is, the thing of which i speak. you have the power to
cause me to react and that scares the shit out of me because i do not
know if i have the power to react well. i do not wish to feel anything
because i hesitate to trust when i know you could make me afraid. and
therein lies the flaw in my pretend world. i made no safe places. my
sanity was based on shallow views, and so when my trust was
broken i was forever made a walked on thing. i never believed that
i could be more or deserve more or know anyone and let them inside
and still, i must admit, my walls are thick and high, but i can see
a small view of truth in the hole i just carved – a real one. not a pretend
window. one you can really see in.

here lies the daughter of those who did not believe. they had no
hope, as they couldn’t see the light in the dark places. i killed her
when i decided to try and remember it all. maybe, just maybe,
along with the ugliness i’ll remember the times you didn’t leave me,
and you stayed.

dragon

"but how do you slay the dragon?"

as i stood facing the awesome beast, i still wondered at my masters refusal to answer my question. why would he give me such a daunting task and provide no tools by which to accomplish it? it seemed very out of character for my master.

i looked around, ever mindful of the dragon's sleeping visage, and scoured my surroundings for a spear.

i saw the grass, but it was too soft, and the thick stalks were too green.
i saw the trees, but they towered over me. i had no tools, and could certainly not fell a tree or carve it into anything with no tools.
i saw the birds, but they maintained their distance and even though their song was soothing none came to help me.
and so i stood defenseless. my master and my environment, by nature, had betrayed me.

you cannot drown a dragon. you cannot burn a dragon. i could think of nothing which would give me an advantage in fulfilling my master's quest. he had called me "dragon slayer", and let me play with his swords and spears and think that when i faced my enemy i would be protected at least with metals and innovation.

having nothing to do but wait, i studied the dragon. his skin was too beautiful. the silvery scales reflected his surroundings so that the only way i could be sure i was looking at him was to find the faint wisp of smoke from his mouth. as his massive torso swelled with every breath, the light around me would bend and seem to twinkle like the stars on a misty night. he was as tall as the towering trees and seemingly as expansive as the lake's horizon. i watched him submerge himself, his customary form of awakening, and then he opened his eyes.

i saw my own reflection in the eye of a dragon.

"who are you?"

"i am a dragon-slayer", i replied, as my master had instructed me.

his eyes filled with disbelief. then he did something i never would have dreamed to witness... he laughed. the waves rolled and the trees shook and the earth trembled and i was very afraid.

compose

see, there was this one day, when the wind was chilly and it whipped around my bones. the rain's cold fingers penetrated until i was soaked through and my shoes squished. i saw you splash in the puddles. we glanced across the terrain and for a moment, i could see through the drops of water as the putrid haze was washed from the air. i tread on the water like broken glass. a soft sigh from the wind as it finished the gale and i opened my eyes, again, to find you still there. the shards from the storm soaked deep, but there was no bleeding. the day was warm again, and the silence receding. the moment seemed but an apparition, but i wasn't dreaming.

damn

http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/originals/blackwhite/main.html